We'll be waiting for the window to open since a door was slammed shut in our faces.

So the surrogacy transfer was set for yesterday. We drove to Texas Thursday, stayed the night, got up early and headed to the clinic yesterday morning. We were all dressed in gowns and scrubs, ready to go for transfer, when we all got the most unexpected news. The embryologist came in and explained that none of the embryos were viable. We were all floored.

I just have to say that, as a surrogate, it's times like this that are devastating. I set out to help couples rid their heartache and achieve their dreams. Yet there are just some circumstances that I cannot make better...and this was one of them. While I know I will never hurt as much as they do, I truly feel like a little piece of my heart broke when I witnessed yet another challenge tossed before them. We had come so far, only to be right back at the beginning.

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. Obviously, they need time to think, talk, and sort feelings. I know I'm not going anywhere right now though and I'll be here for them when and if they decide they still need a surrogate. Life is so unfair.

What a pain in the...

Well I took the first PIO injection for this surrogacy journey! I can't believe how nervous I was since I've done this so many times before. Of course, our heating pad is supposedly packed away in the garage since we moved and that played a huge part in my anxiety. The medication is so thick that I depend on the heating pad to help thin it prior to the injection and then again after it's in the muscle. Anyway, I survived! :) And we're now less than a week away from transfer!

Calculation error...no wonder I'm not passing

OK, so perhaps I figured it wrong. Looks like I'd need a 90 to pass, which means I could miss 8...if I figured it out right this time. Math is usually my strong point, but my brain is fried.

I'm picking up the pieces of a broken dream

Well I feel like I've just been kicked off the top of a ladder I've been climbing for years. My class is two weeks from graduation. This semester has been a struggle for me and I am not passing per my school's requirements (which are tougher than many schools'). Today we took the HESI exit exam. This exam is supposedly a guess at how likely we are to pass boards (although I've been told by many that the HESI is much harder than the NCLEX). The HESI is also a replacement for our lowest test grade from this semester. Well I brought up my lowest grade my 2 points. Big whoop. This means I need a 96 on the final to pass this semester. Of 75 questions, I can miss only 3. Yeah, right. I am angry with myself, as well as embarrassed, that I will not get to graduate with all my friends. It's really quite a blow to the ego, as well as to my determination. I find myself second guessing my decision to be a nurse. But I won't give up. I don't quit and I refuse to now. Obviously, my plan was not God's plan and I will just need to trust that He knows what is best for me and my family. Right now, it's hard to accept and it hurts. But, in the end, maybe this will just help me to appreciate that "RN" after my name a little more...

Prepared for take off!

I had my lining check today and all was well! It measured 11 at first, then 13. Either way, we're ready for the FET next week! The embryos were picked up from OKC today and are en route to Frisco! They should arrive tomorrow morning and will be waiting for us to arrive in a week. I'm really getting excited! Oh...and I got Dr. F to agree to an early beta! :)

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Well a lot has changed since I last posted. We found another house and moved! It's not in the neighborhood we had originally hoped for, but we really seem to be happy here. The house is bigger with more windows and has so much potential. Honestly, I don't think I've been this happy in a long time...and that's saying something since I'm still not passing my class...

So, yeah, school isn't going as I had hoped. I've shed a lot of tears over the past few weeks, but I think I'm finally accepting that I may be repeating this semester. Sure, I'll be disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. I still have my family, friends, and health and that's what's important. I'm still trying to pull it off, but I'm prepared for the worst. It's all in God's hands and I feel relieved to know He has a plan for me and I just need to trust in Him.

Onto other exciting news...the transfer is less than 2 weeks away (12 days to be exact)!!!! I'm really getting excited again! The embryos should be heading to the clinic this upcoming week, I believe. The transfer will take place the weekend before my final, so I'll have time to study while I'm on bedrest. Maybe those "maybe babies" will be my good luck charms?!

In two weeks, I shall find out our destiny in more ways than one! Let's just hope my plans are somewhat parallel with God's. :)

Hurry up and wait

So we got the call last week that the surrogacy transfer has been postponed. I'm bummed and I know the intended parents are bummed too, but I know everything will work out like it's supposed to. Looks like we'll be transferring in May now. I was really looking forward to a transfer next week, but I know this is probably for the best. This allows me time to focus on school and hopefully graduate. Besides, May will be here before we know it!