Time Out

I'm putting myself in "time out." I'm taking off from school for the summer. I'm going to finish what I started with my degree, then I'll figure it out from there. I'm tired of stressing over it all and I'm tired of putting too much on my plate. Let's just hope I graduate come December. That's the first step.

In other news, my surro twins turned 1 on June 8th. I can't believe it's already been a year. We went to their birthday party last weekend and I really enjoyed seeing them and their family. They are such a blessing and I'm so happy I get to be a part of their lives.

As for my current journey, we're hoping to transfer again in August. I'm really excited and have high hopes. If all works as we hope, we'll be due in late April or early May. That's the best time of the year to be due in my opinion...it's not too hot and nowhere near Christmas.

So, until August, I'm on vacation.

Time to regroup and move forward

I haven't posted in awhile because, well honestly, I've been pouting. I needed some time to think, grieve, and regroup. If the canceled surrogacy transfer wasn't enough, I also missed graduating by a few points. I've been pretty hard on myself, wondering how *I* could do so poorly. I'm usually an A and B student and a C is required to graduate. However, my school says a C is 76.5 and I was just shy of that. While I'm so happy for my friends that did graduate, it's been hard seeing all their pinning and graduation pictures and hearing about their new jobs. But now, as I see them begin to really stress while they prepare for the NCLEX, I have to admit it is kinda nice to relax and enjoy my summer. I will get there eventually, but it just wasn't in God's plan for now.

But, on a happy note, I am officially a Sooner! It's been my dream to go to OU for quite awhile and I was recently accepted. Yes, that means I will begin working on my BSN before I even graduate with my Associate's. That's OK...I call it planning ahead. :)

As for the surrogacy, we are planning to try again. As of now, it looks like we'll transfer in July or August...probably August. I think that timing will work well!

While life hasn't quite turned out how I had hoped, I can't complain much. I have a wonderful husband who has been very supportive. I have children who love me in spite of my failures. And I have a wonderful new home that we just love and are thoroughly enjoying.

We'll be waiting for the window to open since a door was slammed shut in our faces.

So the surrogacy transfer was set for yesterday. We drove to Texas Thursday, stayed the night, got up early and headed to the clinic yesterday morning. We were all dressed in gowns and scrubs, ready to go for transfer, when we all got the most unexpected news. The embryologist came in and explained that none of the embryos were viable. We were all floored.

I just have to say that, as a surrogate, it's times like this that are devastating. I set out to help couples rid their heartache and achieve their dreams. Yet there are just some circumstances that I cannot make better...and this was one of them. While I know I will never hurt as much as they do, I truly feel like a little piece of my heart broke when I witnessed yet another challenge tossed before them. We had come so far, only to be right back at the beginning.

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. Obviously, they need time to think, talk, and sort feelings. I know I'm not going anywhere right now though and I'll be here for them when and if they decide they still need a surrogate. Life is so unfair.

What a pain in the...

Well I took the first PIO injection for this surrogacy journey! I can't believe how nervous I was since I've done this so many times before. Of course, our heating pad is supposedly packed away in the garage since we moved and that played a huge part in my anxiety. The medication is so thick that I depend on the heating pad to help thin it prior to the injection and then again after it's in the muscle. Anyway, I survived! :) And we're now less than a week away from transfer!

Calculation error...no wonder I'm not passing

OK, so perhaps I figured it wrong. Looks like I'd need a 90 to pass, which means I could miss 8...if I figured it out right this time. Math is usually my strong point, but my brain is fried.

I'm picking up the pieces of a broken dream

Well I feel like I've just been kicked off the top of a ladder I've been climbing for years. My class is two weeks from graduation. This semester has been a struggle for me and I am not passing per my school's requirements (which are tougher than many schools'). Today we took the HESI exit exam. This exam is supposedly a guess at how likely we are to pass boards (although I've been told by many that the HESI is much harder than the NCLEX). The HESI is also a replacement for our lowest test grade from this semester. Well I brought up my lowest grade my 2 points. Big whoop. This means I need a 96 on the final to pass this semester. Of 75 questions, I can miss only 3. Yeah, right. I am angry with myself, as well as embarrassed, that I will not get to graduate with all my friends. It's really quite a blow to the ego, as well as to my determination. I find myself second guessing my decision to be a nurse. But I won't give up. I don't quit and I refuse to now. Obviously, my plan was not God's plan and I will just need to trust that He knows what is best for me and my family. Right now, it's hard to accept and it hurts. But, in the end, maybe this will just help me to appreciate that "RN" after my name a little more...

Prepared for take off!

I had my lining check today and all was well! It measured 11 at first, then 13. Either way, we're ready for the FET next week! The embryos were picked up from OKC today and are en route to Frisco! They should arrive tomorrow morning and will be waiting for us to arrive in a week. I'm really getting excited! Oh...and I got Dr. F to agree to an early beta! :)