What should I be when I grow up?

I have decided I hate nursing school. I'm not even sure I really want to be a nurse anymore. Honestly, it's depressing and I just don't know I have it in me to do this. Yes, I care for my patients. Sometimes I care too much and it makes me sad. Certain situations just make me want to run home and hold my babies or call my husband and tell him I love him. Life is too short and I don't like the constant reminders. I do realize there are lots of rewards in nursing too, but lately they've been few and far between. So why am I still hanging in there? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I feel I'm going to let so many people down if I quit now? Maybe it's because I'm hoping that if I do finish and find a job in L&D I will actually enjoy it again? Maybe it's because I don't know what else to do with my life? I don't know, but I'm not doing well in school again. I am trying, but I just don't feel this was the path I was meant to take. I'm ready to be done and I need to find my place in this world. I don't know where it is, but I sure don't feel it's here. :(

*yawn*

I don't know which is making more tired...school, my kids, or the pregnancy. I. NEED. SLEEP.

Lots of new beginnings!

School has started back...for me and the kids. Kyrsten has started junior high. Trenton and Sheridyn are now going to the new elementary school. We have moved and started to settle in to our new home. And I'm pregnant!

Yep, that's right...so far, so good! We transferred 2 embryos on August 8th. I had a blood test at 8dp5dt and it was 49, another at 10dp5dt that was 120, and a third at 12dp5dt that was 266. Today we snuck a peek via ultrasound and we could see one sac clearly. There was another circle I questioned, thinking it may be a twin that's behind. My IM is pretty sure it's not, but we'll know for sure next week when I go back to check for cardiac activity. So yay! Let's hope we continue moving in a positive direction. Oh...the due date is 4/26/11. This was the perfect time of year to get pregnant!

Holy thick lining, Batman!

I had a lining check today and I'm already measuring 9.6 with a triple stripe. (That's good!) Our transfer isn't for another 2 weeks! However, Andrea (IM) is doing really well with her meds too, so there is a chance we could transfer a little early. I am getting super excited!

School is just a few weeks away and I'm trying to get myself psyched up for it. I think I'm ready to face it head on. Hopefully I'll do better this semester than last.

I started my new job last week and I really like it so far. I think it will be a great job for me since I'm PRN and choose when I work. The nurse manager said she'll have enough shifts for me to work full time if I need/want to, so that makes me feel secure. I don't know that I'll be able to quite work that much (see above), but we'll take it a day at a time.

Hopefully I'll be posting about positive HPT tests, ultrasound pictures, and straight As soon!

The roller coaster of life...what a fun ride!

Well my life is happy right now. We got a new van the other day and, for the most part, I love it. There are a few things that need to be made better; but once it's all fixed, I'll be a happy girl. So in the past couple months, we've moved to a new house, sold and bought a new van, and I was hired for a new job.

I finally got a nursing assistant job at the hospital I already work for. I start training Monday and I'm very excited. If I do well and they like me, they're likely to hire me as an RN when/if I ever get there. :) That means this weekend is my last weekend at the hotel...at least for now. I can't say it's forever because I've said that before...and here I sit working at the hotel as I type this.

I also start Lupron on Monday for the surrogacy. I'm really hoping things go smoother for us this time and we actually get to transfer...and have it work! As surprised as I am to say this, I kinda hope it's twins again. Am I crazy? Perhaps. But I have my reasons (yes, there's more than one). I know it's all in God's hands though and He has a plan. We shall see what that is very soon! We are hoping to transfer on August 11th (one month from tomorrow)!

Once the transfer takes place, it seems like life will go back to normal in every other way. School starts for the kids on August 19th and I start back on August 23rd. I don't feel ready to go back just yet. I'm still a little burned out. Hopefully these last few weeks will pull me out of that.

So our life has changed a lot lately...and it seems to be all for the better. Now I'm just hoping we can change my IP's lives for the better soon too.

Time Out

I'm putting myself in "time out." I'm taking off from school for the summer. I'm going to finish what I started with my degree, then I'll figure it out from there. I'm tired of stressing over it all and I'm tired of putting too much on my plate. Let's just hope I graduate come December. That's the first step.

In other news, my surro twins turned 1 on June 8th. I can't believe it's already been a year. We went to their birthday party last weekend and I really enjoyed seeing them and their family. They are such a blessing and I'm so happy I get to be a part of their lives.

As for my current journey, we're hoping to transfer again in August. I'm really excited and have high hopes. If all works as we hope, we'll be due in late April or early May. That's the best time of the year to be due in my opinion...it's not too hot and nowhere near Christmas.

So, until August, I'm on vacation.

Time to regroup and move forward

I haven't posted in awhile because, well honestly, I've been pouting. I needed some time to think, grieve, and regroup. If the canceled surrogacy transfer wasn't enough, I also missed graduating by a few points. I've been pretty hard on myself, wondering how *I* could do so poorly. I'm usually an A and B student and a C is required to graduate. However, my school says a C is 76.5 and I was just shy of that. While I'm so happy for my friends that did graduate, it's been hard seeing all their pinning and graduation pictures and hearing about their new jobs. But now, as I see them begin to really stress while they prepare for the NCLEX, I have to admit it is kinda nice to relax and enjoy my summer. I will get there eventually, but it just wasn't in God's plan for now.

But, on a happy note, I am officially a Sooner! It's been my dream to go to OU for quite awhile and I was recently accepted. Yes, that means I will begin working on my BSN before I even graduate with my Associate's. That's OK...I call it planning ahead. :)

As for the surrogacy, we are planning to try again. As of now, it looks like we'll transfer in July or August...probably August. I think that timing will work well!

While life hasn't quite turned out how I had hoped, I can't complain much. I have a wonderful husband who has been very supportive. I have children who love me in spite of my failures. And I have a wonderful new home that we just love and are thoroughly enjoying.

We'll be waiting for the window to open since a door was slammed shut in our faces.

So the surrogacy transfer was set for yesterday. We drove to Texas Thursday, stayed the night, got up early and headed to the clinic yesterday morning. We were all dressed in gowns and scrubs, ready to go for transfer, when we all got the most unexpected news. The embryologist came in and explained that none of the embryos were viable. We were all floored.

I just have to say that, as a surrogate, it's times like this that are devastating. I set out to help couples rid their heartache and achieve their dreams. Yet there are just some circumstances that I cannot make better...and this was one of them. While I know I will never hurt as much as they do, I truly feel like a little piece of my heart broke when I witnessed yet another challenge tossed before them. We had come so far, only to be right back at the beginning.

I'm not sure where we'll go from here. Obviously, they need time to think, talk, and sort feelings. I know I'm not going anywhere right now though and I'll be here for them when and if they decide they still need a surrogate. Life is so unfair.

What a pain in the...

Well I took the first PIO injection for this surrogacy journey! I can't believe how nervous I was since I've done this so many times before. Of course, our heating pad is supposedly packed away in the garage since we moved and that played a huge part in my anxiety. The medication is so thick that I depend on the heating pad to help thin it prior to the injection and then again after it's in the muscle. Anyway, I survived! :) And we're now less than a week away from transfer!

Calculation error...no wonder I'm not passing

OK, so perhaps I figured it wrong. Looks like I'd need a 90 to pass, which means I could miss 8...if I figured it out right this time. Math is usually my strong point, but my brain is fried.

I'm picking up the pieces of a broken dream

Well I feel like I've just been kicked off the top of a ladder I've been climbing for years. My class is two weeks from graduation. This semester has been a struggle for me and I am not passing per my school's requirements (which are tougher than many schools'). Today we took the HESI exit exam. This exam is supposedly a guess at how likely we are to pass boards (although I've been told by many that the HESI is much harder than the NCLEX). The HESI is also a replacement for our lowest test grade from this semester. Well I brought up my lowest grade my 2 points. Big whoop. This means I need a 96 on the final to pass this semester. Of 75 questions, I can miss only 3. Yeah, right. I am angry with myself, as well as embarrassed, that I will not get to graduate with all my friends. It's really quite a blow to the ego, as well as to my determination. I find myself second guessing my decision to be a nurse. But I won't give up. I don't quit and I refuse to now. Obviously, my plan was not God's plan and I will just need to trust that He knows what is best for me and my family. Right now, it's hard to accept and it hurts. But, in the end, maybe this will just help me to appreciate that "RN" after my name a little more...

Prepared for take off!

I had my lining check today and all was well! It measured 11 at first, then 13. Either way, we're ready for the FET next week! The embryos were picked up from OKC today and are en route to Frisco! They should arrive tomorrow morning and will be waiting for us to arrive in a week. I'm really getting excited! Oh...and I got Dr. F to agree to an early beta! :)

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Well a lot has changed since I last posted. We found another house and moved! It's not in the neighborhood we had originally hoped for, but we really seem to be happy here. The house is bigger with more windows and has so much potential. Honestly, I don't think I've been this happy in a long time...and that's saying something since I'm still not passing my class...

So, yeah, school isn't going as I had hoped. I've shed a lot of tears over the past few weeks, but I think I'm finally accepting that I may be repeating this semester. Sure, I'll be disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. I still have my family, friends, and health and that's what's important. I'm still trying to pull it off, but I'm prepared for the worst. It's all in God's hands and I feel relieved to know He has a plan for me and I just need to trust in Him.

Onto other exciting news...the transfer is less than 2 weeks away (12 days to be exact)!!!! I'm really getting excited again! The embryos should be heading to the clinic this upcoming week, I believe. The transfer will take place the weekend before my final, so I'll have time to study while I'm on bedrest. Maybe those "maybe babies" will be my good luck charms?!

In two weeks, I shall find out our destiny in more ways than one! Let's just hope my plans are somewhat parallel with God's. :)

Hurry up and wait

So we got the call last week that the surrogacy transfer has been postponed. I'm bummed and I know the intended parents are bummed too, but I know everything will work out like it's supposed to. Looks like we'll be transferring in May now. I was really looking forward to a transfer next week, but I know this is probably for the best. This allows me time to focus on school and hopefully graduate. Besides, May will be here before we know it!

The biggest twister I have ever experienced

So I was driving with my 10 year old son yesterday and we were talking about tornadoes. (After all, it is nearly spring and we *are* in Oklahoma.) Innocent enough, right? So we were discussing the May 3rd, 1999 tornado and this is how the conversation suddently turned:

Trenton: Mom, isn't that the day you found out you were pregnant with me?
Me: Yes, son, it is. Why?
Trenton: Well didn't you already know you were pregnant?
Me: No, how would I?
Trenton: Didn't a doctor put an embryo in your tummy?
Me: Uhhh, well no...
Trenton: Then how did you get pregnant with me?
Me: Well...*gulp*...uh....you know the "s word"? (That's what he has always called sex.)
Trenton: *turning red* Yes.
Me: Well some babies are conceived like that. BUT...all the surrogate babies I've carried have been put in my tummy by a doctor.
Trenton: *looking puzzled* Oh, OK.
Me: Don't worry. Either David or your daddy will explain more later.

Then I quickly went back to talking about tornadoes.

No more tears

So God has a sense of humor. Seems every time I have a plan, He has another plan...and this has been the case several times this past week.

We were able to get the deposit money together for the house. However, before we actually had it in hand, somebody else beat us to it. We're pretty bummed, but we're still looking for another opportunity. I just have to get my babies out of this ghetto neighborhood...and the sooner, the better.

As for the test, I didn't do so well again. I've cried a lot of tears this week over it. I'm studying and trying my best, but it's just not enough this semester. I'm really scared I'm not going to pass and graduate in May. Guess we'll see what God has planned here.

As I mentioned before, I'm also planning another surrogacy. The embryo transfer was to take place very soon, but there has been an error with the lab. They're unsure how to thaw the embryos with the way they were frozen at the previous lab. Needless to say, the IPs and I are beyond frustrated and angry that this wasn't thought of before now. We're hoping to get someone from the previous lab to come thaw the embryos for us before transfer, but we're not yet sure if it will happen. We should know something this week.

So, again, God is showing me who's boss and that my plans mean nothing in the big scheme of things. I know He knows what's best, so I'm leaving it all in His hands. I just hope and pray something good happens soon, as I'm really tired of crying. This isn't me and I need to be back to my happy, optimistic self. Perhaps if I just stop trying to plan my life and let God do it, I will be happier.

It's March, the beginning of new things...hopefully.

Things never come easy. School is hard. Work is hard. Life is hard.

We found the most perfect house for us to live in. It's another rental, but that's what we were wanting...just until we're ready to buy. We just want to get out of this neighborhood. The crime is increasing. My kids can't play out front for a number of reasons (speeding cars, suspicious people, etc). We were out of town last weekend and came home to find our trampoline (in our fenced backyard) now has a slit right down the middle of it. It was in near perfect condition when we left. We fear putting up our oh-so-cool (and not-so-cheap) Christmas decorations because we've had them destroyed in the past. And there are so many things wrong with the house itself. We've put in maintenance requests and the manager of the company has come out himself and taken pictures, but NOTHING has been fixed. We've been here 7 years. It's important that we keep the kids in their schools and we found a wonderful subdivision that would work so well. While driving through that neighborhood, people that live there (perfect strangers to us) waved! Nobody does that where we live. So we found this house and went to look at it today. It's affordable AND bigger AND newer than the house we have now. We all fell in love. Problem is: the deposit. We can afford the rent, but not the deposit on top of it. I'm praying that this is meant to be for us and that we will find some way to make this happen. I must keep in mind that God has a plan.

As for school, I'm hanging in there. I had my second test on Thursday and had to miss it due to two sick kiddos. :( I made up the exam on Friday and have yet to find out how I did. I feel pretty good about it, but I felt good last time too and didn't do so well. Hopefully, I'll get my grade tomorrow.

I still have my job and I still love it. I wish I could get more hours, but there's only so much that they need me and only so much I can work with school. I have been applying for nursing positions like crazy, but probably won't hear back until closer to graduation. I just wish I could get an offer as an intern so I could start training and slide right into a job as an RN. But that would be too easy, right?

On other news, we got a new puppy! She's a 6 week old pomeranian named Shadow. She's a little white fluff and looks like a miniature polar bear. We have welcomed her into our family and she's fitting in well. Now if we could just get her to sleep through the night...lol. It's like having a newborn again!

Speaking of babies...(anyone guess where I'm going with this?)...I have decided to do another surrogacy! I am very excited about this and really hope to help another very deserving couple become a family. I am very grateful to be a part of this and hope that everyone can respect my decision. There will be updates to come...soon, very soon! :)

I can't wait for spring break!

God has a plan...just wish I could see the blueprint.

So I had my first exam of the semester yesterday. Coming out of the exam room, I was confident I did well. Silly me. What people don't usually know, is that anything below a 76.5 is considered failing in this program. And while I was a great student all through high school and even college, the nursing program is kicking my butt. I suppose if I had "divorced" my family for 2 years like they suggested when I entered the program, I could do better and maybe even score an "A" (which is a 94 or better, by the way). But I refuse to do that and will have to take what I can earn with them around. So I did less than I had hoped on the exam and that now means I have to work extra hard for the next exams. And I wonder, like I did in second semester, if I chose the right path. Am I really meant to be a nurse? If I don't like it now, will I like it then? (After all, there's no guarantee I'll get a job in labor in delivery, which I know I'd love.) Have I wasted time and money? I remind myself God has a plan and I need to just leave it to Him. Will I give up? No. Will I fail? Possibly. All I can do now is try my hardest and let God do the rest.

So I'm not good at taking tests. There has to be something I am good at that will help me to feel good about myself again. Right? Maybe something that can help someone else? :) I'm good at growing babies. At least *I* think so. After all, I have brought six of the most precious babies ever into the world! Hmmmmm...

Again, God has a plan.

Oooh...pick me, pick me!

I decided I need more clinical experience with patients before I graduate. I've also been told it's a good idea to start looking for a nursing job now. So I spoke with the nursing recruiter at the hospital I already work for. I stressed my preference for labor and delivery, but also explained that I've been warned that hospitals rarely hire new graduates for that department and that I would appreciate being considered for any position available. Her response was that she was hired into labor and delivery as a new graduate and that there are always exceptions. I took that as a good sign. :)

So, since I'm not yet an RN, she suggested I apply for the assistant position that's currently available in postpartum. After discussing it with my boss, I went for it! The hours are overnight, but it is full time. I'm not quite sure how well this would work with my school schedule, but I figured I won't know unless I try. Unfortunately, today at work, I was told several people have already applied for that position, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.

So what does a girl in my position do? She does whatever it takes to proves she's the girl for the job! I'm working shifts to help out during the ice and snow storm, while several others are calling in. That's gotta look good, right? I have also asked an awesome OB (who is also a dear friend) and my most favorite nursing instructor (who was also my clinical instructor for my OB rotation)to write recommendation letters for me. They will be sent to the recruiter very soon. Hopefully, there will be enough evidence to prove I'm intelligent, efficient, responsible, and capable for this position. I guess only time will tell...which means I have to be patient. I always joke I went to nursing school to learn patience. I guess now is the time to test how well I've learned that lesson...

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

I'm a dreamer. Always have been, always will be. I decide what I want and go after it. Nothing stands in my way. This attitude has helped me to obtain the labels of "stubborn", "irresponsible", and "senseless". Call it as you see it...but I have a very happy life and there's very little I would change.

I have made many of my dreams come true...and am close to achieving more. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. I'm hoping to graduate nursing school soon. I plan to find a job in labor and delivery so I can see a miracle every day I go to work. Hopefully after I find that job, we can buy a house. And my graduation gift to myself will be a '66 Mustang. I dream of a day of never struggling to pay bills or having to tell my kids, "We can't afford it" when they ask for something basic. I dream of the day my family watches me cross the stage for my college graduation. My parents can finally be proud that both of their children went to college on their own free will and my children will see that it's never too late to reach your goals. Hopefully I will inspire them like my dad did me.

And when I'm not busy chasing my own dreams, I try to help others achieve their dreams. I'm a gestational surrogate. Yes, I carry babies for other people. I have been so blessed to have five wonderful children in my life. Three are my biological kiddos and two are my stepkids...and I couldn't have asked for better children to fulfill my life. I joke that I want everyone to suffer as much as I do, but that's a lie. Sure we have our moments, but being a mother is the most rewarding experience. And there are so many deserving women in this world unable to achieve this on their own. So, since my family is complete, why not help others complete their families? I have made some lifelong friends through surrogacy and I have brought three more beautiful children into the world through these journeys. Being a surrogate is the second best thing I've ever done, only following deciding to be a mother myself.

So this journal is born. I've had surrogacy journals in the past; but I thought it was time to start a general journal...one about ALL the dreams in my life. And hopefully I can document each dream here as it comes true. Stay tuned...as I plan for it to be a wild ride...